Reflection

Few months ago I was energetic, full of life, going north to Butterworth, south to Singapore, over the sea to Bali, going around, talking to friends, appealing for fund. I was happy, positive and working, writing to friends, doing my accounts.

Now I am listless, the land is bought, still owe almost USD 30,000/- to someone, waiting for the pledges to come in. I know I should send a gentle reminder to those who has forgotten about their pledges but instead, I play computer games to numb my feelings and my hurts.

Nowadays, the young one kept talking about life is not fair,  every now and then I hear so and so has gone in to depression and I wonder what is it I am feeling now. I wish I can use that excuse and do nothing or go away to some where where no one ever knows me. And yet I have to get up every morning, prepare breakfast, have breakfast, go down to the school, talk to the teachers, the parents, check the accounts, get angry with the inefficiency. I am the cleaner, the runner, the odd job workers.

I can joke about it but deep down who could understand me?

Expectation and disappointment

Some body once told me not to expect so that I would not be disappointed.....That was 36 years ago, I was so disappointed in life and friends then. Where were they? They were at my place day in and day out but disappeared after Boon passed away. Were they not my friends too? I cooked, washed and served them with all my heart and my love. No one ever visited me, was I that invisible?

That was a good advice but I am only human, I have feeling, I struggled to overcome my disappointment and I though I have done well. But once in a while the feeling does appear but for some other reasons.

Being here made me realized how alone I am, other than running the school, what else? I need help, who isthere  to help me?  Never feel so helpless and alone like now.